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In Buddhism (and in many spiritual traditions), we’re taught to become conscious of our fear of suffering. We’re taught to face it, to develop the courage to face it head on, and just “be with it.” For decades I’ve been trying to do that.
I’ve navigated complex, sticky situations with my grown children, feeling my own ineptitude, guilt and confusion. Feeling it head on. I’ve found myself struggling in my marriage, and faced that struggle, the hardest part of it, head on.
Some of what I’ve just said is true. Some of it is how it happened. But most of it is not.
The sneaky, deeper truth that hides in plain sight is resistance. I was ‘diving into the heart of trouble’ as a strategy to keep from actually feeling my own pain. My ‘fearlessness’ was a clever facade that masked my fear. A brilliant example of resistance as distinct from suffering.
For instance, as a mother, my familiar territory is guilt. I know my way around in it. The grooves of my motherbrain are deep. But the much scarier territory is resistance. How did I, how do I, run away from all that guilt? Do I look at my watch? Change the subject? Not answer the phone? Oh my God, and what effect does that have on my kids and my relationship with them…
